Dear... God?

So I am not really sure what is going on in my life right now. Pretty much just God convicting me over and over and over. Now He has me in total fear. I don't really know if He is the one doing this to me, but it is tearing me apart. I am up right now past 3am just so I can avoid trying to go to sleep. Last night I was completely torn apart and I graphically visualized all of my past sins. I was so disgusted with myself that I wanted to vomit everywhere but nothing would come up. Then all I could think was that I was going to Hell and I kept imagining fire and torture and laughter. I was scared out of my mind....

But maybe there is something that I should get out of this. That I shouldn't be afraid. That Jesus Christ came and saved me from my sins and that I don't have to go to Hell. Ugh. Still drove me nuts last night.... I guess I will try to go to sleep.

Welcome back.

Ahhh yes. It has been a while hasn't it? No, I have not forgotten about this. I just always have things I want to say that I can't say because some certain person would read it. I hate that I have that problem all the time. Sorry if you are indirectly mentioned. Nothing personal. I love you regardless. Anyway. this will be another one of my rants like always.

A. Apparently I am super awkward. Which is fantastic. I was thinking about the labeling theory in sociology today and how that when you are labeled that you become it because people mirror you that way. So I guess that is why I tend to be anti social now and just sit in my room. Spare people the trouble.
B. I hate it when people make me do something and then I do it and get yelled at it for it. LOVE!
C. I love it when people are super indirect to make hints about things they can't stand about me. I wish people were direct and would actually talk to me. That would be fantastic.
D. I really hate being lumped into groups with other people. So I really don't like to do that. Now I am playing Dungeons and Dragons and now I am "That guy" Thanks world. Haters.
E. It drives me up a wall when people say they don't like someone but act like they do. And then they lead them on and I along with others have to deal with the mess afterwards. Do people think at all? I am unsure.
F. Yes. I get along actually quite well with the people I have dated. I am quite proud of that. I don't get why it is such an issue for some people.
G. My faith is a mess right now. I can't get focused at all. Well, at least it is getting better now. I am probably dropping my education major and changing to something that would be good for missionary work. I am thinking sociology or communication right now. Pray for me.
H. I must fail at friendships. Because most of the time I feel like my best friends are my ex and my mom. Not saying anything against them since they are awesome people but I guess it doesn't look the best. Maybe that is why I am super awkward. Sweet. I love never ending circles...
I. It drives me nuts when people expect me to drive everywhere  even though I don't have a car.
J. I love people just assume that everyone has texting. Like it is physically impossible to buy a phone without it. Or when people ask for my number and I tell them that I don't have texting and they don't want my number anymore. Rude. I also love it when people rip me for not responding to their texts.... my bad. I apologize from the bottom of my heart.
K. It is really annoying when someone you look up to completely blows you off. So be careful as to who you blow off. Because you never know who idolizes you.

That is all. For now.

Lock me up. Swallow the key.

You can do it! You can do anything...... Yeah. right. I keep telling myself this as I fight an on going battle within myself. I just should be locked up in cage away from all of humanity. I don't do anything good for it. I just treat everyone terribly. I ruin people's lives, friendships, and relationships. Or do I? Or could it be so that I just take so much crap from everyone that I get to a point of exploding and everyone in my path gets destroyed? Maybe. Oh well. I need someone to talk to. I need someone I can always go to. That I can call 2, 3, 4 or 5 am. ANYTIME. Nope. Don't have it. It sucks when your likely candidates end up being the people you need to go to people about. Then they are all best friends so anything you say goes in their ears and out their mouths. I trust people so little right now. I just assume the world is out to get me. That I have to do everything on my own. That I have to fight every battle on my own. That I have to settle everything inside my head and heart before I can go to anyone else. GO FIGHT WIN. Maybe. I don't know where I am going. I don't know what end result I am looking for. I don't know how to travel the journey I am on. But I am on one. It just isn't going anywhere. It stays right inside me. You are strong Scott...... Am I?

Ramblings of a broken man.

Do I lack communication skills? I must not be doing something right because I have no ability to channel my feelings, thoughts, and/or emotions to other people. This is why I am not very open with other people. I can't do it. I fail at talking to people. Fantastic listener, but I cannot communicate to others. Every second of my life I feel like no one understands me, how I think, how my mind processes things, how I draw conclusions, how I am affected by things... etc. But, is that mearly because I fail at communicating that to other people?

Which leads to where I am now. Where I don't talk to people. I bog things up in my mind and when that over flows I blow up. But I never go to anyone. I don't want to be a burden to anyone else. I don't want my problems to be anyone else's. I know Bailey yells at me for this. A LOT. Oh well. That is how I work. I keep things to myself. I hate it because once I have had enough and open up to people I naturally lash out and make people get really mad at me. More failing. Which leads me back to where I was before. I seriously don't think there is a human being on the planet able to handle me. I can't openly communicate with anyone without ever making somebody upset. I can't explain things to people in a way that won't make them rip my head off. Alas, I just accept my failure as part of life and something I will never ever be able to do correctly.

I keep finding myself either mentally driving myself off a bridge or over people that make me mad. Either way. I am driving. Driving myself nuts. Work makes me realize how stupid humanity is. I don't think I heard a single person pronounce "Herb" right today. Go humanity. English (1), Humanity (0). The language has conquered its own people. Heck. I had a co-worker not even know what humanity meant. *hits head* I don't even know what to say anymore. I love how every customer that walks into Subway assumes they know the prices better than I do. Heck, they DON'T EVEN LOOK at the prices. How are they supposed to know prices better if they don't look? "Sorry sir, that is one of our $6.75 subs and not a $5 footlong." "WHAT?!?!?! #!#^!$@#$^@^@^@##!$#@^$$^&%#$% [subtle explicts]" Yeah... welcome to my life. Doesn't help that I work at a job where everyone can do whatever the heck they want and get away with it. AKA. Not their job. I wish I had some authority around there, I would change so many things!

Why do we watch scary movies? For the thrill? I would be thrilled to NOT watch the movie. Why do we mess with fear? Fear is something that we use to survive. Something that through many years we have used to protect ourselves. So why do we pursue unleashing that instinct? I think it isn't really entertaining. Comedy is way more entertaining. Whatever. I think the idea of scary movies at stupid. Count me out.

Patriot.

I am writing this after waking up from a dream. A bad dream, or a nightmare rather.

In my dream my best friend Steven, who is in the Army, just died in military combat over in Korea. In my dream I was at his funeral and Shirley Phelps and company made an appearance complete with “God hates America” and other signs about our great country and military. In my dream it took 5 people to hold me down so I didn’t go tear her apart. I just woke up crying and all I can do is think about how satisfying it would be to bash her face in a thousand times over.

I realize why I am so patriotic. Because there are amazing people around the world fighting for our freedom, and that is just awesome. Steven is my hero. He is serving across seas for my rights and freedom. For my family’s rights and freedom. For my best friends’ rights and freedom. For people I don’t and he doesn’t know’s rights and freedoms. For America. That is a hero. And something about that just really gets down to the soul of me.

Dear Shirley Phelps,

1. If God hates America, then why would you want to be here? Doesn’t this equal like Hell in your “religion”? *cough* cult! *cough* Go to Iran! You could be their queen or something.

2. Do you realize that the solders that you slander by calling them gays or fags are fighting for your right to say that? I hope someday you meet karma.

3. Do you realize that you are only alive because the people that hate you the most are Christians who wouldn’t do that to you? But I tell you what…. do something criminal. I would love to watch you rot in a prison cell.

4. Do you realize that all your arguments just make you sound foolish? They don’t even make sense. And argue quietly! You always yell. It is obnoxious. Knock it off.

5. The King James Bible is out dated. FYI. New original scripture has been found. So pull some money together from your peeps and buy some new Bibles.

6. GOD DOESN’T HATE AMERICA!!!!!

7. GOD DOESN’T HATE AMERICA!!!!!

8. (See numbers 6 and 7.)

9. Stay out of my dreams. You and Satan. Jerkfaces. I hope God noob-tubes you with a grenade launcher in Call of Duty so you rage quit life.

Sincerely,

Scott James Morton.

Quoting Yellowcard

"Everything is gonna be alright Be strong. Believe." -- Believe

"Today I couldn't stay awake
Feels like I'm drowning in this firewater lake
I won't be sleeping much tonight
It's not the same without you lying by my side
Right beside me" -- Firewater

"I wish there was something inside me. To keep you beside me." -- Keeper

"Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one" -- Only One

"I never thought I would wake up in bed
watching the world coming down on my head" -- Down On My Head

"We came down to watch the world walk by
And all she found was trouble in my eyes
From the sky she pulled me down tonight
Let her go" -- Rough Landing Holly

"Tell me how I got this far
Tell me why you're here and who you are
'Cause every time I look
You're never there
And every time I sleep
You're always there" -- Everywhere

"If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away" -- Ocean Avenue

"Lead on to save me
Lead us all there
Find me some answers
One nation beware
Can't tell the difference between myth and man
Or what's necessary or where I should stand" -- Words, Hands, Hearts

"Way away away from here I’ll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe" -- Way Away

"And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight" -- Breathing

"Father I will always be
That same boy that stood by the sea
And watched you tower over me
Now I'm older I wanna be the same as you" -- Life of a Salesman

"Let's burn a hole, so we can climb out.
Of these paper walls, and this empty house.
Don't listen too close, they're words are like guns.
With bullets that fly and kill what you've won." (kids singing intro) -- Paper Walls

"We'll be miles apart
I'll keep you deep inside
You're always in my heart
A new life to start
I may be leaving but you're always in my heart" -- Miles Apart

"When we were only kids
And we were best of friends
And we hoped for the best
And let go of the rest
Shadows and regrets
Let go of the rest" -- Shadows and Regrets

"Let me light up the sky,
Light it up for you.
Let me tell you why,
I would die for you.
Let me light up the sky." -- Light Up the Sky

Exposed!

Finally I am doing something that I should have done something long ago. I feel like no one really knows who I am for a few people. I tend to spread out the different parts of my life among my friends. Not everyone knows everything. My friends form a puzzle of parts of my life that can only be completed together.

Finally! Scott Exposed!

See my life is really easy to explain. It consists of three portions that battle it out.
My past. My future. Who I want to be.

Where do I start?

Well, lets start with who I want to be.
Growing up I always wanted to be a hero. That was my childhood dream. I didn't want to be a firefighter or in the military. I wanted to save the world. I wanted to be remembered. I wanted my great grandchildren to be telling stories of my life. All that jazz....
Then I got to the point where I am now, I am not a hero. Jesus Christ is my hero. He saves the world with His Blood. Now I am nothing more than a slave... but a slave in Christ! Knowing this is always in conflict with my life dream. I must be sick and twisted because for some odd reason I tend to look forward to peoples problems and  struggles because I always want to be the one that comes through and saves the day. I don't understand how my mind operates or takes this. Meh.

I always want after college is over for my friends to remember me. And remember me as funny, always smiling, never running out of energy, being the best friend... Yet why is it that I am none of these things? My jokes are funny. Not me. Making plays on words is easy. Why do you think I can do it? I never smile as much as I would like. Maybe it is because I am ALWAYS depressed. I have struggled with it my whole life. Now here is where my past comes in. I have always had problems with depression. The people that I hung out with the most growing up were the kids that beat me up everyday. You can imagine that did wonders on the morale. I had a rough time in junior high. I contemplated suicide in 8th grade and got closer to it than I wanted. Jolly good time. I struggled to find close friends throughout high school. I have like 2 that come to mind that I am still close to. I have been very broken. I can't really post anything else about my past because there are so many things about my life that I don't feel comfortable posting on the interweb. (don't know who will read this and I don't want to mention names)

I have also concluded that I have a strange taste for physical attraction. I am way more attracted to a cute girl than I am to what the world considers a "hot babe." Ick. Gross. I can't stand makeup. Problem with how God made you? I don't think anyone on this planet could ever understand how much more I like a girl that doesn't wear makeup often. You don't have to dress up to impress me. You have to make me like you for who you are. That is attractive. A girl that believes she is beautiful will be beautiful.
So what? Am I wrong? Or am I the only doing it right?

I hate making blog posts like this because it just sounds like I want everyone's pity. Which is pathetic. If you think that then you don't know me. It is just what is on my mind now.

God Bless You.

Life Tattoo.

I was talking to Kayla the other day and we got on the topic of tattoos and which Bible verses would make good tattoos. I came to the concussion that the one I would like to use wouldn't make a good tattoo because it talks about being youthful and that would be ironic when I am 100 years old.

Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe. -- 1 Timothy 4:12 (NASB)

I concluded that I don't want this as a body tattoo, I want this as a life tattoo. Not something I wear, but something that I live by. Becoming one with the verse. Living every point up to it's fullness whether it is in how I talk, how I present myself, how I truly love everyone as Christ did, whether it is putting all my reliance on Christ, being pure in relationships, or the command given to us to be able to represent other Christians.

The more that I think about this, the more I feel like I am not living life the way I should. How many of us are living everyday like this? 

God's Work through us.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. -- Ephesians 2:10 (NASB)


I read this verse and I started to think about why we are here on this Earth. See, God created us to not be separate from Him and to glorify Him. That is until Adam and Eve decided to be little rebels and throw God's master plan out. Then I started to think about good works... See, so many people think that it takes mearly good works to get to Heaven. 


1. God's Grace Saving Us >> leads to >> Us Doing Good Works. 
vs.
2. Us Doing Good Works >> leads to >> Us Being Saved. 


#1. is correct. #2. is not.


We are all called as Christians to do good works. If a Christian is not growing closer to Him, then he/she is dead. People think that because they are saved they don't need to do anything with or for God. James 2: 14-20 says: 

14 What use is it, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but he has no works? Can that faith save him? 15 If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,” and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that? 17 Even so faith, if it has no works, is dead, being by itself.18 But someone may well say, “You have faith and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works.” 19 You believe that God is one. You do well; the demons also believe, and shudder. 20 But are you willing to recognize, you foolish fellow, that faith without works is useless? (NASB)

We cannot do anything to earn our Salvation. Good people do good works, not good works makes us good people. Right before 2:10 in 2:8-9 it tells us that our Salvation is a Gift from God, not something that man can achieve. 



For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. (NASB)

how i feel right about now.

Dirty and Left Out -- The Almost

Hello, I swear I won't be too long
Hello, I promise I'll be real strong
Wait up, I just wanna tell You
Hold up, why are You still here?

I've been dirtier than You wanna know
I've left earlier than You'll ever know

Why do, You wanna be all listenin' to me
Why do, You spread Your arms and tell me I'm free
Why do, You wanna be in my life
In my life

I've been dirtier than You wanna know
I've left earlier than You'll ever know

Jesus, Jesus,
There's something about Your name
Master, saviour, Jesus

I've been dirtier than You wanna know
I've left earlier than You'll ever know
Jesus
Jesus

we are not immortal.

live like you are dying. the all familiar phrase. does it make sense? no.

if i wanted to live like i was dying then i would self inflict a mortal wound and take a trip to the hospital. now that is living like we are dying. or at least the hardcore version. we are all dying. it is our fate. no one is immortal. so does that mean we are all living like we are dying?

when someone tells me to live like i am dying i want to punch them in the face and say. "punk! i already am! you trying to tell me to die???!?!?!?!" not really. but pretty close.

ya ya ya. i get it. "live life to the fullest"
define fullest?

fine. full potential. okay. now we are getting somewhere.

dear scott.... you have not been living up to your full potential.
GET IT IN GEAR!

well. this weekend has been a great boost to me. i got a lot off my shoulders with a lil' one on one with God. and did he bring me down! at least now i am better off. and i also got to witness some of His work through others!
and.... i started a devotional. this is actually the first time i have done this. so that is pretty uber exciting.

subway hired two more people i went to highschool with. and it is driving me insane.

uummm.... that is about all.

oh. and 7 more days. :) come back sooner.

tis all.

too upset to think of a title.

define best friend?

i feel like this summer has distanced me from the people i once claimed to be my besties. some i have yet to talk to since school has gotten out. and some i have tried to talk to and gotten no response. thanks for that. i'll just go hang out with some of my buds that aren't the best influence. but heck. at least they talk to me.

realization.

i just was thinking about how many surprise birthday parties i have been a part of.

i've never had a surprise party. i never do anything period.
maybe i should take that as a hint.

this is also really stupid because now someone is going to do one just because i put this, which would just make me more mad.

another poem from jennifer sladky :]

Sometimes God does things in our lives
We cannot understand
He put us together as friends
For this was a part of his plan
At first I thought could this friend
Be just another fake?
At that time I realized
That God makes no mistakes
This friendship I know for sure
Was made from the Heavens above
That's how I'm sure that it
Will be filled with lots of love
The talks we've had and the things we’ve shared
Have meant so much for me
God chose to make us good friends
That's why we're meant to be
I can put no value on a friendship
Like the one we share
For every time we talk
We know that the other is there.

can't we get along and praise nicely?

Sooo many things on my mind. Where do I start?

Ahhh the great stage of moving on. Knowing that your liking someone is only a drag, that you just make everything awkward. Great feeling. My emotions are like trying to disarm a bomb. Except for instead of cutting the green wire I got desperate and cut them all. Now I am blowing up inside. That is how my feelings are for you now. Because I am cutting it all off it is just building inside me and is tearing me apart. I don’t know what to do or where to go.

I hate summer. For some odd reason I start going on a “summer break” from Jesus and it sucks. I am hurting and missing having my Savior in my life.

Over the years I have noticed how some people talk about different churches and denominations. Some people don’t even sound Christian when it comes to the topic because some are very unaccepting. It seems like everyone I talk to has a denomination that is “on the bottom of their list” or so to speak. I feel like I can’t even talk church with some Christians. Annoys the heck out of me. Can’t we all get along and praise nicely?

Is God sending me a sign? He closes a window to see my friends from wayne today at hope’s grad party and He is shutting the door on going back to wayne at all. I don’t know what to do but if this is the case it is going to kill me. Where do You want me?

I hate it when things go better than you want. When you restart a friendship only to be on good terms and they want to be your best friend. It doesn’t work like that.

I have noticed that I am typically one that has a hard time with saying no to things, but sometimes I feel like I say no a lot to hanging out with friends. I don’t know why it is that things never go like I want. When I want to be alone everyone asks me to hang out. When I want to do something everyone else is doing something and they don’t invite me. Maybe sometimes I am asking for my own loneliness.

I also have came to a conclusion that my list of best friends is much different from my list of favorite friends. The people that I would much rather hang out with. There are some people that are incredibly close to me yet I never have desire to hang out with them. Interesting how it works that way…

Well those are my thoughts. If you have some of your own about them, feel free to contact me.

letters to you -- finch

Can't you see that I wanna be there with open arms?
It's empty tonight
And I'm all alone
Get me through this one

Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so

I'm writing again, these letters to you
On much I know
But I'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart

Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so

No more looking
I've found her

I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you

I've gone away

lesson of myself.

12:13 am.

My entire ipod is on shuffle. Freedom by run kid run just finished. I just fell flat on the floor and cried. My body went limp. My heart stopped hurting, it just felt like it was no longer there. I can’t move any part of my body except my fingers as I type this. I cannot stop crying. Why am I crying? I ask myself if I am making a big deal about nothing. Or apparently I am. Yet deep down I feel like I right and that it is a bigger deal that it may seem….

Apparently I am a coward at deactivating facebook. I am just running from my problems. Maybe so. Never said I was brave or confrontational or smart or doing the right thing. Bahaha. I am never doing the right thing. But this is me. This is what I do. I build up my emotions, let them out, and start over. I don’t know when I will go back on facebook. But I need to. It is my only real connection to my friends. I love how the deactivation page tells you how your friends will miss me. Well it shouldn’t, because I am not gone and now only the people that I actually mean something to will go out of their way to connect with me.

I hate being home. It isn’t the place. Or the people or anything. But it is the lack of the people that is the problem. I had friends to push me. At home I turn into a “Christian on Sunday only.” I screw up and don’t act anything like myself. I am never happy and never read my Bible. I don’t pray, I don’t hang out with Christian friends, I don’t do anything I should do. I am stubborn and over 9000% human and flesh. I hate it. I am nothing. Just a big block of sin that can’t get closer to Jesus. I can’t do it right. I am doing something wrong. I am hurting and need so much help. God… I need you! I am broken. Falling down and refusing to get up! Pull me up! Get me on my feet, but don’t stop there! Launch me into the sky!

Dear Benjamin Frerichs. Since I know you are one of my biggest followers… this part is for you. I need you in my life. I need you to push me. I need so badly to room with you again. My life changed when I stopped living with you. I went down and went fast. You have been the best brother. Not friend, but brother. You are my family. I feel like I can’t do anything with you. You truly have been an extension Jesus in my life. Thank you.

Summer is killing me. I can see what it has already done to me and it hurts even more to see that it could be like this for longer if I can’t get enough money to get back into WSC. Since I am going downhill I can only imagine I will fall farther unless I can find help.

Dear Fowler. You have been one of the greatest friends ever. You are very wise. As of what is going on in my life, you probably know much more than anyone else. You have helped me analyze every situation that I get in. I appreciate that so much.

Dear James. You are an awesome vent buddy. So vent to me when kobe fails. :D But really. You have been great. I enjoy our friendship and it means the world to me. I am glad you can put together my emotions and figure out how I feel.

Dear Bailey. I doubt you will read this since you don’t follow blogs. You are an amazing friend. I can honestly say that you can make me laugh or just smile when the world is falling apart. So when the zombies come. I will find you so you can make it not seem so bad. :D

Dear Kayla. You make or break every day for me. I don’t know if I will ever understand it. But I do know that I have a very deep bond to you that amazes me. I don’t know what your future will hold you but I will be here if it does not work. Never forget that I have your back. I care for you, more than you will ever know.

Dear Sara. I am glad that you can hold my trust everytime. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go to anyone, but I know that I can always go to you and you will always listen to me. That means the world to me and if you ever need anything I’ve got your back. I can always lend an ear if you need one.

Dear facebook. Don’t know when I will be back. Miss you already! Well. Parts of you. Or just chat. I kind of miss that. I can live without the rest of your crap.

I hate that without facebook I can’t post anymore emo statuses. Super lame. I think it would be somewhere along the lines of: Scott Morton just went from being heart broken to heartless in a course of 5 min. rockstar.

Peachy by family force 5 just played. I love the song right now because I can relate to the lyrics. Probably not a good thing. Oh well.

Time for bed. I wish I could move. Even enough strength to get back into bed would be fantastic. Goodnight computer.

12:44 am.

why?

i blog for a reason. apparently it is meaningless. apparently my words go without meaning. apparently i have bad timing. apparently i should just give up.

poem by jennifer sladky

When I finally pass away some day,
I can merely hope and pray
That I will gaze upon Christ.
Though he is constantly depicted in free flowing robes of white,
That is not the Savior I expect to see in my sights,
No, that image simply is not right.
My Savior wears jeans.

Yes, He wears jeans, an opinion I refuse to deny,
And if you need reassurance you only need to look toward the sky,
And gaze at the intricate shades of blue.

His jeans are long, battered, tattered, and torn.
They've been stained with blood, tears, and sweat since before I was born.
The blue varies through fades, and prices He's paid.
The most appealing part of the jeans are the many splotches of bleach,
From where He has tried to reach and teach,
As He walks to and fro,
Cleaning the coats, of those whom He knows.
And I will be the one of the first to confide,
That those stains on his jeans will stay there with pride,
No matter how much He uses Clorox 2 or Tide,
Because the blotches we see is from where He's lived, thrived, and died,
And eventually risen days after making his crucial decision.
Yes, it is true; I can see through the blue, my Savior wears jeans

10 Points to Society.

I hate how some people go about relationships. Or how people have relationships that are unofficial and have no commitment. I mean seriously. Who wants that? I talk to some people that want a good Christian relationship, but don't live their lives like they want one? Some people spend so much time looking for the right person, but don't think about if they are the right person for someone else.

I was talking to one of my friends and she was telling me how it is okay to kiss one of your friends as long as they are single too. ARE YOU SERIOUS? 1. I didn't expect that from you. 2. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Gah. I don't get it. Has society really changed us that much? What happened to relationships like they used to be? Or how people actually stayed married? Oh yeah. That might be because it is perfect acceptable for people to have sex and not get married. Probably the fault of our parents for letting us think that. Traditional parenting would have not allowed this.

Well. Here is my venting... Some people just amaze me. 10 points to Society.

Round 2?

2009-2010 School Year.

2 Semesters. 10 Classes. 4 Different Roommates.

Not much school knowledge gained. So much understanding of myself as a person and my future. Friendships that could never be broken. Failed relationships and unsuccessful crushes. Strengthened relationship with God.

Many things have came out of this year. Good and bad.

Bad being my grades and my effort. Terrible. I have so much potential that I basically wasted this year. So much that God has blessed me with and I have thrown away. So much opportunity brushed aside. Was I not ready? Or did I just need this wake up call to get my act together? I wish I could be someone who could academically make his parents proud. Instead I have to drop a class because I am failing and then fail get enough credits to be a sophomore. Good job Scott. Good plan when you are trying to get money to go back to WSC next year. Why would anyone give me money if I just throw it all away?


On the upside, WSC has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I am so thankful for the people I had around me. Especially the people that went out of their way to invest in my life. It was so amazing to see people reach out to me. They definitely changed my life. Even the parents of some of my friends have been great friends to me. I appreciate it so much. God has definitely worked through many people to take a hold of my heart. I have never been around so many Christians on a consistent basis and it has been an amazing experience. I also have gained a new appreciation for my family. I didn't get to see them a lot but when I did they were always there to take me back in. I love them so much. They have done so much for me! I will never be able to repay them! (speaking of... I owe them money... )


End Conclusion:
God is definitely telling me that I need to get my act together. I shouldn't have trouble with motivation, because God should always be my motivation. I should be doing everything for Him! My prayer is that God will find a way to get me back to WSC so He can give me another chance even though I don't deserve it!
________________________________________________

From the Inside Out -- Hillsong United. 

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And If I stumble again
I'm caught in our grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine
When all else fails
Neverending, your glory goes
Beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine
When all else fails
Neverending, Your glory goes
Beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine
When all else fails
Neverending, your glory goes

Beyond all fame

Do Not Hear, Listen.

This post is about two of the most amazing songs ever written.

Promise of a Lifetime by Kutless and Freedom by Run Kid Run.

These songs can stop me from doing anything. These songs can make me cry on a moments notice. These songs can make me fall to my knees no matter where I am. They are so super powerful. God's Glory, Grace, and Forgiveness are so amazing expressed through these songs. God obviously sent a message through these two artists when they were compelled to write these songs. I thank Him for these because they have changed my life. I hope you listen to them. Do not hear, listen.

Promise of a Lifetime -- Kutless

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted

Looking back at me I know that you can see my heart is open to the promise of a lifetime.
________________________________________________

Freedom -- Run Kid Run

All my chains I can't disengage
And I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise the other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
And I'm ready for change

Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay
I scream Father please
I need rescuing I need you and you alone

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for I'm ready for (change)

Still you patiently wait
Yet i won't just let go
I see you and you alone
Saying come follow me despair has come so you can see
Release

And so I'm singing for freedom
And so I'm singing for freedom

The time has come separation has lost the war to love
Take my hand grace has found you where you once began
Your alive You're alive in the waking of new life
Take my hand in the end there's only love
There's only love

There's only singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the one
Who can become this freedom
And I'm ready for I'm ready for
Father please I need rescuing
I need you and you alone

God Bless

trading death for life.

Gah. So many things on my mind.... but one thing I want to get off my chest. 

It sure is a phenomenal feeling to know that you would die for someone. I mean, we all have times we have said it, but have we truly meant it? I know there are some people that I would die for, but only a few would I instantly react and throw it all away.  One on my mind in particular. 

Speaking of that person, had a dream about her last night where a friend and I died trying to save her from kidnappers. Not sure what to think of it, but I know that I would do anything in the world for her. No matter what. 

Would say more, but extremely tired. 

returning a favor.

The best feeling in the world might be to know that you have influenced someone's life. When they tell you that you have done something for them and to hear that you are their best friend makes me smile at my core. If you want to make me the happiest person in the world let me know that I am doing something right, that I am appreciated. It means the world to me. It is isn't 'just something nice to say' with me. It really means a lot.

Another thing that I would like to say is that I have been one of the most blessed people in the world.

Kayla, since you have mentioned me in your blog, I shall return the favor. Have I ever been a lucky person to know you! It is amazing what our friendship has become after how it started. This might be partially because of how you have changed and grow up over the course of the year. You are in the top three friends I have ever had and probably the best girl (insert safety pause) friend I have ever had. Without you I never would have had well you for a friend (of course) or a majority of the friends I have now. You have put up with so many of my problems and take way to much crap from me that you don't deserve. Unfortunately I can be a real pain sometimes! I used to think I would never be able to trust you, now I trust you would my life. I used to think that I would never call you my "best" friend but now I can say you are one of the VERY BEST. :] When the world falls apart you are what I have to fall back onto. I appreciate that more than words could ever express. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me.

Group Project!

Why is that I am always the one that ditches everything? I always notice that I never do anything with our group a friends as a whole. I was looking through some of my friends' pictures and I was quick to notice that I was never in any of them. Kind of like how I didn't go on the zoo trip or go to the Formal? I'm in none of those because I wasn't there. Why do I never attend such events? I don't know. I know for the both of these I actually had good reasons for not going. They usually involve certain people going or trying to avoid drama. Then I always hear about the drama that went on and am thankful for not going, yet... I see the pictures and they pierce my heart. Where am I supposed to be? Am I making wrong decisions?

mind dump.

Time to blog because I have nothing else to do and because I don't want to look at all the pictures from the formal on facebook. Also, CoD has became extremely boring. School sucks, but I never want it to end. Especially since I might not be coming back next year. FML. Although, since I quite enjoy my job I can't wait to get back to work. Maybe I should just go to bed because I am so tired and so bored. Yet my mind is a hurricane right now and I can't concentrate at all. Sounds like it will be a fun time trying to get to sleep! Yeah! Too bad you are that is left going for me right about now.

Here I am.

Here I am. Guilty as charged. Top secret ninja emotion mission failed. My life is indeed quite average. Now where do I go? I do not have the answer to that question nor will I pursue its answer until it presents itself to me. Is a future possible? Don't know that either. Guess I don't really have to and maybe there is a reason I don't know that. Right when I thought life couldn't get more awkward it does and right when I thought I wouldn't have more questions I do. Oh do I have a list for you! I realize now that I talk to myself. Especially while I am blogging. Not shocked, as I always have done this. Insane you ask? Quite. Actually beyond your comprehension. Here I am. I followed my heart and I pray that it isn't a dead end. Then again, that is not my decision. I do not know which path is mine to take.

Here I am: Busted! You're a smart girl, why did I think you would never figure it out? Maybe it was when I had once told you that I would never be interested in you. I wasn't planning on you changing into everything I ever wanted. Next time God needs to send me a script so I can plan ahead a little better! =P Hope I didn't catch you too off guard. I had tried to run situations through my head but it wasn't until I (this is so cliche) listened to my heart. Now I have spent the whole day away from you and perhaps it has been for the better. I guess I am quite happy that you have said that our friendship will never be awkward. That is a big *sigh* of relief.

Here I am. Potentially stabbing a close friend in the back. You tell me I am not, but you don't even know how he feels. I feel as if I have done this. I am interested in how 'this' all would ever turn out.

She will be loved. Promise.

waiting game -- yellowcard

You and me
A little different
Though we tried to stay the same
It never leaves
And when it changes it is still a waiting game

I wait for a lonely breath
I wait to surface from this depth
Wait for the light to come
And take away these images I kept
In my head

More than ever
I need to feel you
More than ever
I see the real you

You are me
Our worst disaster would be waking up alone
Now we're free
We're drifting out
Like all the ones we didn't know
I wait for a silence here
I wait for things to disappear
Wait for the ground to stop moving underneath my only fear
If I lose you I don't know

More than ever
I need to feel you
It's all around
More than ever
I see the real you
And it surrounds

Everything, everything
We have had
Out of sight out of mind
Given that
What I see when I dream
Hurts like hell and back

everywhere i can't be.

Ahhh... I just love sitting out side and basking in God's Glory all around me. Today is a good day.

Although... oddly enough, today isn't everything that I wanted it to be. Now my life is a game of trying to not say too much. A cat and mouse game of words and an attempt to avoid arousing any suspicions. I tell myself that I would without thinking do anything for you. Unfortunately telling you how I feel despite the situation at hand and the risk of friendships is holding me back. I guess this means I lied. Sad day. Already proved myself wrong. I can say that nothing else would ever stand in the way. If only I would have been faster to realize where I belong instead of trying to convince myself that this could never happen.... Failsauce.

Another thing that is on my mind is the Campus Crusade for Christ Formal Dance. Everyone asks my why I don't want to go and I guess this will be my 'formal' answer. It isn't that I hate dances. I actually love dances. Well, depends on who I am with. I really only like dancing when it is with someone I am dating. Apparently I am the only person that looks at dancing as I do. I think of dancing as something more intimate I guess. I think that when you dance with someone you are showing a connection with them on so many levels. I don't know. That is just how I look at it. That is why I never go to country night and that is why I am not going to the Formal. I would only go if I had a date but I don't want a date for 'fun' but I would only go with someone if I was either in a relationship with them or if I was completely interested in a them. And since I can't exactly go with the person I want to go with it throws the whole idea of the Formal out. That is my answer. Merry Christmas.

1 John 4:18

After watching Batman Begins I have been thinking about fear in my life. Fear is so powerful and controls so much of me.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." --1 John 4:18

Does this mean I fail? Does this mean I don't have love in my life if I am still fearful? As much as I think that I have nothing to fear in life I still know there are unconscious fears that control me without my thinking about it.

So what do I fear? I know of a few things that strongly influence my actions. For example, I know that I fear failure. But how do I not fear it and not be over confident and expect success?

I feel like I have a million questions running through my dome right now. Zero answers. If only I could just have what I want the most right now. Why are the hardest things to get the things that are closest to you?

us.

The worst thing about having a blog is when something really bothers you and you don't know how to put things into words.

Cliques is something that has been brought upon my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I am in one and I know that this thought is true. Some people don't feel welcome in my 'group' and I can see why. As a whole we judge people so much and predetermine who fits in and who does not. We don't ask people to hang out with us because we think that they have nothing to contribute to our 'group'. this is so wrong. Funny that I bring this up because sometimes I question my worth among my friends. Wish I could read hearts rather than minds. Then I would know the real truth. Oh well. Not mine to ever know.

running away.

Situation.

It is a word I am learning to hate. When do we use situation in a positive way? We always intend that something is the problem and situations are always something we avoid.

I hate my situation. To be on the outside looking in. To see your life unfold and you be happy and to see that you are loved. If only you knew. If only I had known. All of this time when I tried to deny it to myself. As much as I wish I could block you out of my life to protect you from my longing heart, I know that I can't, and I know that you would never let me. All the more to add to my situation.

Now I sit here, heavy at heart trying to deny my feelings, trying to keep things to myself. Wish I could tell you, wish I could tell everyone. Maybe I have already told too many people. One has already been enough.

Other than all of that jazz. Rest in peace Steve Thiem. I guess I never really knew you that well. But I do know that you were the father of my best friend. Thank you for all you have done for him and his family. For being in his life.

i got lemons...

Before I rant, I need to say a few things for some select individuals.

Dear Michaela Elizabeth Clark, I am sincerely sorry for giving your keys to Optimus Prime and forgetting I had done so putting you in a panic. I really forgot and thought that they were just laying next to your bed. My apologies.

Dear Fowler M Fowlmasterflex, your beard is sooo awesome. And you are even more awesome. Don't ever shave your awesomeness. Or your beard.

Dear Jeffery Sladenbaucherschnitzle, your name. 'nuff said.

Dear Bailey Jackson, some day I will dominate you in hexic, bejeweled, life... etc. someday... until then. You win.

Anyway. Enough of that.

The worst feeling in the world might be knowing that the person you like, likes someone else. The best part about posting this is the fact that the person that everyone will automatically think of is not the right person.

The worst feeling in the world is knowing that the stated person in a life or death situation would choose someone else over you, even though you know that you would choose that person over anyone.

The worst feeling in the world is knowing that this is a hopeless situation because you don't have a chance.

The worst feeling is knowing you can't tell anyone who this person is because you don't want to start drama or ruin the lives of either the said person or whom they like.

That is my rant.

When life hands you lemons, you praise God because lemons are delicious.

Top 20 Bands of ALL TIME

personal faves. don't judge.

#1 Rush of Fools

#2 Jack's Mannequin

#3 Family Force 5

#4 Death Cab for Cutie

#5 Dashboard Confessional

#6 Kutless

#7 FM Static

#8 Foo Fighters

#9 Collective Soul

#10 Matchbox Twenty

#11 The Beatles

#12 The Fratellis

#13 Hawthorne Heights

#14 Anberlin

#15 Bullet for my Valentine

#16 A Day to Remember

#17 Tenth Avenue North

#18 Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

#19 Everfound

#20 Underoath

*edit. insert switchfoot at #2

there is a difference. the difference is Him.

i just want to make something clear that some people do not understand.

there is a difference between joy and happiness.

what makes you happy? all the worldly things we have, our money... our car... our job... our friends... winning... etc. they make us happy, but what long term effect is there? can happiness be an everlasting feeling?

what makes you joyful?

i know that the love of our Lord God and Savior that He would die for us is what gives me true joy. joy is something real and everlasting. just like our God. coincidence? no.

some people tell me i am a happy person. but that isn't necessarily true. i actually am not happy much at all. i am always down and depressed. i actually really struggle with it a lot. but i am a joyful person. i know that my place is in heaven with God and it brings me so much joy. i feel like i don't show or share that with enough people. but maybe it is because it would be mistaken for happiness. which is not the case. just some thoughts.

God Bless

losing control.

i've came to the conclusion that i really need to guard my heart. because i fail at it. instead of going to the highest bidder, i go to the first bidder.... or i for some reason imagine someone bidding.

i think i keep making myself like people because i feel so alone. i feel like everyone should just stay away from me because i can't control my feelings. it is so hard because i can't distinguish between what is real and what is an idea that i place in my head.

i'm just asking to get hurt all the time. i hope God can lead me where He wants me because i keep leading myself away from Him.

great feeling when you can't even trust yourself.

pray for me please because i need all the help i can get.

ladies... don't do this.

The Five Toughest Questions That Women Ask Men And The Answers You Need...

The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?


What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrect (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

1. What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are and how lucky I am to have met you."

Inappropriate answers:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")


2. Do you love me?
The proper response is "YES!", or if you feel a more detailed answer is in order "Yes, dear".

Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love. (Clinton's response)
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?


3. Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!"
Incorrect:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're thighs sure do make a lot of noise.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

4. Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question, I was thinking of the insurance money again.

5. What would you do if I died?
A definite no win question here. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a new Porsche.")

No matter how you answer this question, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up question, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not ... don't you like being married?
Man: Of course, I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you re-marry?
Man: OK, I'd get married again.
Woman: YOU WOULD (hurtful look on face)??
Man: Yes, I would.
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with hers?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them, she is left handed.

--http://www.angelfire.com/my/invalidchars/longjokes.html

for fun?

i guess this is my venting note.

i think vince lombardi got it all right. "if winning isn't everything, why do we keep score?"

does this mean i have the right to feel like i have a right to win? i hate it when the game is over and people are like, well... it was fun! winning isn't everything... why are you playing then? don't play if you don't want to win! i want to win! i love my friends to death, but every team i am on with them never wins anything. i want to win.

sure. for putting that i will probably never get asked to be on a team again... or everyone will lash out at me. i just am a competitor at heart. i want to fight for something. that's why we play sports right? to compete. we love the challenge and having obstacles in the way. then coming down on those obstacles and feeling victorious. that is unless you never win. then you give up on sports altogether.

how do you live a life for God by losing? Jesus never lost. He conquered all obstacles in His way and continues to do so. in our battle for the side of our Lord we should never "play for fun" but we should go with a winning mindset. what glory goes to God if we just try and get by? just have fun? i don't think if you go to Hell you start to think.... "hmmm.... well it was fun right?"

facebook.

i really love my blog. it is so much of who i am. i think someone could easily figure out a lot more about me by browsing my blog as opposed to creeping on my facebook. speaking of facebook, i wanted to put something from my facebook on here:

This is a note of mine from facebook entitled: love like a band-aid.

I'm amazed by what friends can do for you. They are one of the most AMAZING things God has ever given us. They hold us together when like a band-aid when all of our problems in the world are bleeding out. They absorb all of our problems and keep all the others out.


Why is it that hugs are so amazing? Hugs can make someones day. OR CHANGE SOMEONE'S LIFE. How many people did you hug today? How many? NOT ENOUGH I TELL YOU. Never enough. What was the problem? Too awkward? Well. Hug me a million times, and I don't care who you are because you will change my life. To hold someone in your arms and make them feel safe, and to make them feel like someone cares is one of the most powerful things ever. You can take away all the pain and all the suffering they may go through that day. That hug could be the greatest thing that happens all day to them, all week, all year, their whole life.

Go, love on someone, change their life. Hold them in your arms and never let go. Love like a Band-Aid.

falling.

the world is falling apart. we are all falling apart. everything is falling apart.

but what are we falling for?

i look around at my friends, and they are all falling. some are falling closer to Jesus, some are falling away from faith in God, some are falling in love, some are falling in love with what they can get away with, some are falling out of love, and some are falling into an idea that no one cares about them. i'm falling into the mixed feelings of growing up.

unfortunately, i feel like very few people are mindful of where they are falling and what they might land in. even if you are falling closer to Jesus you have to know when to pull the parachute and slow down before hitting frustration.

so maybe that is what it is all about.... falling too fast.

i think this is the part where you step back and look at your life. where are you falling? and where do people think you are falling? maybe you should talk to someone about where you think you are falling because the best advice is not your own.

Get off the ground.

Holes.

Lately i have been thinking about the holes in my heart that i have felt over the year. I think everyone feels like they have them, like something is missing. Today i learned what to fill these holes with. God has laid on my heart somethings that i need to improve, and my improvement has led to the filling of these holes. I am trying to get into better shape, trying to be more involved, trying to do better in school and go to class, trying to be a better friend, trying to truly love everyone, and trying to improve my relationship with God. This last week i have been completely changed. I now feel a joy that i have never felt before in my life and it is because i am taking in more of an appreciation for what God has given to me. Jesus Christ saved me and my prize is a place in Heaven and i am so grateful. I was thinking about how a girl used to be the filler to all of these holes. I might have been happy, but was God happy? Did my relationship glorify God? Probably not. But this is something that i want so badly. I want someone that i can pour the Love of God into. I am not saying that if i had a girl in my life that all of my holes would be filled up, but that i need to have all of the holes filled before my heart is ready for a relationship. I feel like this is finally something that i can be truly ready for. I can say that there is someone that i am interested in. I feel a lot more comfortable putting that here then on facebook because the few that actually might read this probably already know. well. a few of them do. Now i am just waiting and praying for the direction and future God places me in.

cambiar

i guess i am on a mission to change lives. i assume people will comment on this and say "you changed my life!!!!111!!!1!11" but have i actually done anything? sure i am around you a lot and probably influence you, but i have i flipped your life upside down? what is change anyway...

i have no idea why i want to impact someone's life so deeply.

i then think about how people are like "you shouldn't change for someone to date them"

....what if it is for the better? what if it is for your own benefit? what if it is for Jesus?

is change a bad thing no matter what? i feel like changing someone's life is sooo extremely difficult. everything and everyone is against you. usually you fail, someone gets hurt, and friendships get broken up. i guess that is change though....

just my current thoughts.

God Bless

to You be the glory.... and some for our selfishness....

Today i learned the hard way that blogging while watching a movie isn't a very effective method.

I just started listening to this song so i thought i would include it.

We All -- Rush of Fools

Oh, You are love like we have never known
Before the world was born
You had named us and called us Your own
We are Yours
And we're broken at Your feet

We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
Cause You're right here with us
We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
At the name of Jesus
We all, we all, we all lift up You, now

Oh, it's a wonder that we can engage
The King of Heaven lives
In our hearts and we know Your embrace is this
You have died for us

We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
Cause You're right here with us
We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
At the name of Jesus
We all, we all, we all lift up You, now

Your ways are high
They're not our own
And You are seated at Your throne
And it's Your love that gives us hope
That You will never let us go

We all, we all, we all fall to the ground

We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
Cause You're right here with us
We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
At the name of Jesus
We all, we all, we all lift up You, now

Oh, you are love like we have never known
Before the world was born
You had named us and called us your own
We are yours

I feel like lately i have been falling flat on my face for Jesus. Actually more like tripping over my problems to land at the feet of my Savior. I guess i wish it didn't have to be that way. I wish that it took something else to get my life together and not my problems and mishaps that lead me to seeking the Face of God. I have noticed how prideful lately. I never thought of myself being a proud person but i am noticing it more and more.

What did you want to be when you grew up? I remember the only thing i ever wanted was to be a hero. But what is a hero? I was always unsure of this. I just new that i wanted to save the world or something. Why did i want this? Not sure on that either. I guess i just wanted the glory. Sounds quite selfish right? Well growing up i guess i really rooted myself in my own selfish, glory-filled dream. I feel like i spend too much time seeking the praise of others and not enough time doing things for the glory of God. Even my life of prayer has changed into something that was just for others to see. I hate it. Sometimes i feel like i pray before meals just so other people see me and not that i am actually giving thanks to God. Sounds terrible right? Well it is the truth. So how much of this relationship with God is fake? Looks like i have a long road to making it better.

Here is where it begins....

I guess this is just an intro post. This way i actually have something on this blog. And my internet at home shuts off in 30 min so i can't put everything here that i want to.

God is great right? Well. Until we get mad. Then we forget that. Sound familiar? Does for me. Sometimes i have been overlooking the greatness of God and looking at my own selfishness and what i can never be. I should be happy and joyous around the clock because He sent His Son to save me. What else could I want?

Speaking of the goodness of God, look around you? Look at everything you have even though it may seem like you have nothing. EVERYTHING you have is from Him. The world tells you that you have to work and do stuff to get to heaven and such. But EVERTHING is a gift from the Big Man upstairs. I have been under appreciating a lot of things lately. Especially my friends. Of all things right? Yeah, that is what i thought too. But i have been over looking them. They have my back in every struggle i am in and i don't do nearly enough to thank them or God. And how do i repay them? I always feel like i can never do enough for my friends to ever be close enough to match what they do for me. Maybe that is my problem. I feel like i just am repaying people. I hear that a lot and should think about it more. But it isn't like i am doing it for that reason only! I love to help people. It makes me happier than anything else. Maybe it is the fact that i want people to depend on me. But is that just my selfishness speaking out again? I don't know, but I pray that God will show me.