Lock me up. Swallow the key.

You can do it! You can do anything...... Yeah. right. I keep telling myself this as I fight an on going battle within myself. I just should be locked up in cage away from all of humanity. I don't do anything good for it. I just treat everyone terribly. I ruin people's lives, friendships, and relationships. Or do I? Or could it be so that I just take so much crap from everyone that I get to a point of exploding and everyone in my path gets destroyed? Maybe. Oh well. I need someone to talk to. I need someone I can always go to. That I can call 2, 3, 4 or 5 am. ANYTIME. Nope. Don't have it. It sucks when your likely candidates end up being the people you need to go to people about. Then they are all best friends so anything you say goes in their ears and out their mouths. I trust people so little right now. I just assume the world is out to get me. That I have to do everything on my own. That I have to fight every battle on my own. That I have to settle everything inside my head and heart before I can go to anyone else. GO FIGHT WIN. Maybe. I don't know where I am going. I don't know what end result I am looking for. I don't know how to travel the journey I am on. But I am on one. It just isn't going anywhere. It stays right inside me. You are strong Scott...... Am I?

Ramblings of a broken man.

Do I lack communication skills? I must not be doing something right because I have no ability to channel my feelings, thoughts, and/or emotions to other people. This is why I am not very open with other people. I can't do it. I fail at talking to people. Fantastic listener, but I cannot communicate to others. Every second of my life I feel like no one understands me, how I think, how my mind processes things, how I draw conclusions, how I am affected by things... etc. But, is that mearly because I fail at communicating that to other people?

Which leads to where I am now. Where I don't talk to people. I bog things up in my mind and when that over flows I blow up. But I never go to anyone. I don't want to be a burden to anyone else. I don't want my problems to be anyone else's. I know Bailey yells at me for this. A LOT. Oh well. That is how I work. I keep things to myself. I hate it because once I have had enough and open up to people I naturally lash out and make people get really mad at me. More failing. Which leads me back to where I was before. I seriously don't think there is a human being on the planet able to handle me. I can't openly communicate with anyone without ever making somebody upset. I can't explain things to people in a way that won't make them rip my head off. Alas, I just accept my failure as part of life and something I will never ever be able to do correctly.

I keep finding myself either mentally driving myself off a bridge or over people that make me mad. Either way. I am driving. Driving myself nuts. Work makes me realize how stupid humanity is. I don't think I heard a single person pronounce "Herb" right today. Go humanity. English (1), Humanity (0). The language has conquered its own people. Heck. I had a co-worker not even know what humanity meant. *hits head* I don't even know what to say anymore. I love how every customer that walks into Subway assumes they know the prices better than I do. Heck, they DON'T EVEN LOOK at the prices. How are they supposed to know prices better if they don't look? "Sorry sir, that is one of our $6.75 subs and not a $5 footlong." "WHAT?!?!?! #!#^!$@#$^@^@^@##!$#@^$$^&%#$% [subtle explicts]" Yeah... welcome to my life. Doesn't help that I work at a job where everyone can do whatever the heck they want and get away with it. AKA. Not their job. I wish I had some authority around there, I would change so many things!

Why do we watch scary movies? For the thrill? I would be thrilled to NOT watch the movie. Why do we mess with fear? Fear is something that we use to survive. Something that through many years we have used to protect ourselves. So why do we pursue unleashing that instinct? I think it isn't really entertaining. Comedy is way more entertaining. Whatever. I think the idea of scary movies at stupid. Count me out.

Patriot.

I am writing this after waking up from a dream. A bad dream, or a nightmare rather.

In my dream my best friend Steven, who is in the Army, just died in military combat over in Korea. In my dream I was at his funeral and Shirley Phelps and company made an appearance complete with “God hates America” and other signs about our great country and military. In my dream it took 5 people to hold me down so I didn’t go tear her apart. I just woke up crying and all I can do is think about how satisfying it would be to bash her face in a thousand times over.

I realize why I am so patriotic. Because there are amazing people around the world fighting for our freedom, and that is just awesome. Steven is my hero. He is serving across seas for my rights and freedom. For my family’s rights and freedom. For my best friends’ rights and freedom. For people I don’t and he doesn’t know’s rights and freedoms. For America. That is a hero. And something about that just really gets down to the soul of me.

Dear Shirley Phelps,

1. If God hates America, then why would you want to be here? Doesn’t this equal like Hell in your “religion”? *cough* cult! *cough* Go to Iran! You could be their queen or something.

2. Do you realize that the solders that you slander by calling them gays or fags are fighting for your right to say that? I hope someday you meet karma.

3. Do you realize that you are only alive because the people that hate you the most are Christians who wouldn’t do that to you? But I tell you what…. do something criminal. I would love to watch you rot in a prison cell.

4. Do you realize that all your arguments just make you sound foolish? They don’t even make sense. And argue quietly! You always yell. It is obnoxious. Knock it off.

5. The King James Bible is out dated. FYI. New original scripture has been found. So pull some money together from your peeps and buy some new Bibles.

6. GOD DOESN’T HATE AMERICA!!!!!

7. GOD DOESN’T HATE AMERICA!!!!!

8. (See numbers 6 and 7.)

9. Stay out of my dreams. You and Satan. Jerkfaces. I hope God noob-tubes you with a grenade launcher in Call of Duty so you rage quit life.

Sincerely,

Scott James Morton.

Quoting Yellowcard

"Everything is gonna be alright Be strong. Believe." -- Believe

"Today I couldn't stay awake
Feels like I'm drowning in this firewater lake
I won't be sleeping much tonight
It's not the same without you lying by my side
Right beside me" -- Firewater

"I wish there was something inside me. To keep you beside me." -- Keeper

"Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one" -- Only One

"I never thought I would wake up in bed
watching the world coming down on my head" -- Down On My Head

"We came down to watch the world walk by
And all she found was trouble in my eyes
From the sky she pulled me down tonight
Let her go" -- Rough Landing Holly

"Tell me how I got this far
Tell me why you're here and who you are
'Cause every time I look
You're never there
And every time I sleep
You're always there" -- Everywhere

"If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away" -- Ocean Avenue

"Lead on to save me
Lead us all there
Find me some answers
One nation beware
Can't tell the difference between myth and man
Or what's necessary or where I should stand" -- Words, Hands, Hearts

"Way away away from here I’ll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe" -- Way Away

"And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight" -- Breathing

"Father I will always be
That same boy that stood by the sea
And watched you tower over me
Now I'm older I wanna be the same as you" -- Life of a Salesman

"Let's burn a hole, so we can climb out.
Of these paper walls, and this empty house.
Don't listen too close, they're words are like guns.
With bullets that fly and kill what you've won." (kids singing intro) -- Paper Walls

"We'll be miles apart
I'll keep you deep inside
You're always in my heart
A new life to start
I may be leaving but you're always in my heart" -- Miles Apart

"When we were only kids
And we were best of friends
And we hoped for the best
And let go of the rest
Shadows and regrets
Let go of the rest" -- Shadows and Regrets

"Let me light up the sky,
Light it up for you.
Let me tell you why,
I would die for you.
Let me light up the sky." -- Light Up the Sky

Exposed!

Finally I am doing something that I should have done something long ago. I feel like no one really knows who I am for a few people. I tend to spread out the different parts of my life among my friends. Not everyone knows everything. My friends form a puzzle of parts of my life that can only be completed together.

Finally! Scott Exposed!

See my life is really easy to explain. It consists of three portions that battle it out.
My past. My future. Who I want to be.

Where do I start?

Well, lets start with who I want to be.
Growing up I always wanted to be a hero. That was my childhood dream. I didn't want to be a firefighter or in the military. I wanted to save the world. I wanted to be remembered. I wanted my great grandchildren to be telling stories of my life. All that jazz....
Then I got to the point where I am now, I am not a hero. Jesus Christ is my hero. He saves the world with His Blood. Now I am nothing more than a slave... but a slave in Christ! Knowing this is always in conflict with my life dream. I must be sick and twisted because for some odd reason I tend to look forward to peoples problems and  struggles because I always want to be the one that comes through and saves the day. I don't understand how my mind operates or takes this. Meh.

I always want after college is over for my friends to remember me. And remember me as funny, always smiling, never running out of energy, being the best friend... Yet why is it that I am none of these things? My jokes are funny. Not me. Making plays on words is easy. Why do you think I can do it? I never smile as much as I would like. Maybe it is because I am ALWAYS depressed. I have struggled with it my whole life. Now here is where my past comes in. I have always had problems with depression. The people that I hung out with the most growing up were the kids that beat me up everyday. You can imagine that did wonders on the morale. I had a rough time in junior high. I contemplated suicide in 8th grade and got closer to it than I wanted. Jolly good time. I struggled to find close friends throughout high school. I have like 2 that come to mind that I am still close to. I have been very broken. I can't really post anything else about my past because there are so many things about my life that I don't feel comfortable posting on the interweb. (don't know who will read this and I don't want to mention names)

I have also concluded that I have a strange taste for physical attraction. I am way more attracted to a cute girl than I am to what the world considers a "hot babe." Ick. Gross. I can't stand makeup. Problem with how God made you? I don't think anyone on this planet could ever understand how much more I like a girl that doesn't wear makeup often. You don't have to dress up to impress me. You have to make me like you for who you are. That is attractive. A girl that believes she is beautiful will be beautiful.
So what? Am I wrong? Or am I the only doing it right?

I hate making blog posts like this because it just sounds like I want everyone's pity. Which is pathetic. If you think that then you don't know me. It is just what is on my mind now.

God Bless You.