Group Project!

Why is that I am always the one that ditches everything? I always notice that I never do anything with our group a friends as a whole. I was looking through some of my friends' pictures and I was quick to notice that I was never in any of them. Kind of like how I didn't go on the zoo trip or go to the Formal? I'm in none of those because I wasn't there. Why do I never attend such events? I don't know. I know for the both of these I actually had good reasons for not going. They usually involve certain people going or trying to avoid drama. Then I always hear about the drama that went on and am thankful for not going, yet... I see the pictures and they pierce my heart. Where am I supposed to be? Am I making wrong decisions?

mind dump.

Time to blog because I have nothing else to do and because I don't want to look at all the pictures from the formal on facebook. Also, CoD has became extremely boring. School sucks, but I never want it to end. Especially since I might not be coming back next year. FML. Although, since I quite enjoy my job I can't wait to get back to work. Maybe I should just go to bed because I am so tired and so bored. Yet my mind is a hurricane right now and I can't concentrate at all. Sounds like it will be a fun time trying to get to sleep! Yeah! Too bad you are that is left going for me right about now.

Here I am.

Here I am. Guilty as charged. Top secret ninja emotion mission failed. My life is indeed quite average. Now where do I go? I do not have the answer to that question nor will I pursue its answer until it presents itself to me. Is a future possible? Don't know that either. Guess I don't really have to and maybe there is a reason I don't know that. Right when I thought life couldn't get more awkward it does and right when I thought I wouldn't have more questions I do. Oh do I have a list for you! I realize now that I talk to myself. Especially while I am blogging. Not shocked, as I always have done this. Insane you ask? Quite. Actually beyond your comprehension. Here I am. I followed my heart and I pray that it isn't a dead end. Then again, that is not my decision. I do not know which path is mine to take.

Here I am: Busted! You're a smart girl, why did I think you would never figure it out? Maybe it was when I had once told you that I would never be interested in you. I wasn't planning on you changing into everything I ever wanted. Next time God needs to send me a script so I can plan ahead a little better! =P Hope I didn't catch you too off guard. I had tried to run situations through my head but it wasn't until I (this is so cliche) listened to my heart. Now I have spent the whole day away from you and perhaps it has been for the better. I guess I am quite happy that you have said that our friendship will never be awkward. That is a big *sigh* of relief.

Here I am. Potentially stabbing a close friend in the back. You tell me I am not, but you don't even know how he feels. I feel as if I have done this. I am interested in how 'this' all would ever turn out.

She will be loved. Promise.

waiting game -- yellowcard

You and me
A little different
Though we tried to stay the same
It never leaves
And when it changes it is still a waiting game

I wait for a lonely breath
I wait to surface from this depth
Wait for the light to come
And take away these images I kept
In my head

More than ever
I need to feel you
More than ever
I see the real you

You are me
Our worst disaster would be waking up alone
Now we're free
We're drifting out
Like all the ones we didn't know
I wait for a silence here
I wait for things to disappear
Wait for the ground to stop moving underneath my only fear
If I lose you I don't know

More than ever
I need to feel you
It's all around
More than ever
I see the real you
And it surrounds

Everything, everything
We have had
Out of sight out of mind
Given that
What I see when I dream
Hurts like hell and back

everywhere i can't be.

Ahhh... I just love sitting out side and basking in God's Glory all around me. Today is a good day.

Although... oddly enough, today isn't everything that I wanted it to be. Now my life is a game of trying to not say too much. A cat and mouse game of words and an attempt to avoid arousing any suspicions. I tell myself that I would without thinking do anything for you. Unfortunately telling you how I feel despite the situation at hand and the risk of friendships is holding me back. I guess this means I lied. Sad day. Already proved myself wrong. I can say that nothing else would ever stand in the way. If only I would have been faster to realize where I belong instead of trying to convince myself that this could never happen.... Failsauce.

Another thing that is on my mind is the Campus Crusade for Christ Formal Dance. Everyone asks my why I don't want to go and I guess this will be my 'formal' answer. It isn't that I hate dances. I actually love dances. Well, depends on who I am with. I really only like dancing when it is with someone I am dating. Apparently I am the only person that looks at dancing as I do. I think of dancing as something more intimate I guess. I think that when you dance with someone you are showing a connection with them on so many levels. I don't know. That is just how I look at it. That is why I never go to country night and that is why I am not going to the Formal. I would only go if I had a date but I don't want a date for 'fun' but I would only go with someone if I was either in a relationship with them or if I was completely interested in a them. And since I can't exactly go with the person I want to go with it throws the whole idea of the Formal out. That is my answer. Merry Christmas.

1 John 4:18

After watching Batman Begins I have been thinking about fear in my life. Fear is so powerful and controls so much of me.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." --1 John 4:18

Does this mean I fail? Does this mean I don't have love in my life if I am still fearful? As much as I think that I have nothing to fear in life I still know there are unconscious fears that control me without my thinking about it.

So what do I fear? I know of a few things that strongly influence my actions. For example, I know that I fear failure. But how do I not fear it and not be over confident and expect success?

I feel like I have a million questions running through my dome right now. Zero answers. If only I could just have what I want the most right now. Why are the hardest things to get the things that are closest to you?

us.

The worst thing about having a blog is when something really bothers you and you don't know how to put things into words.

Cliques is something that has been brought upon my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I am in one and I know that this thought is true. Some people don't feel welcome in my 'group' and I can see why. As a whole we judge people so much and predetermine who fits in and who does not. We don't ask people to hang out with us because we think that they have nothing to contribute to our 'group'. this is so wrong. Funny that I bring this up because sometimes I question my worth among my friends. Wish I could read hearts rather than minds. Then I would know the real truth. Oh well. Not mine to ever know.

running away.

Situation.

It is a word I am learning to hate. When do we use situation in a positive way? We always intend that something is the problem and situations are always something we avoid.

I hate my situation. To be on the outside looking in. To see your life unfold and you be happy and to see that you are loved. If only you knew. If only I had known. All of this time when I tried to deny it to myself. As much as I wish I could block you out of my life to protect you from my longing heart, I know that I can't, and I know that you would never let me. All the more to add to my situation.

Now I sit here, heavy at heart trying to deny my feelings, trying to keep things to myself. Wish I could tell you, wish I could tell everyone. Maybe I have already told too many people. One has already been enough.

Other than all of that jazz. Rest in peace Steve Thiem. I guess I never really knew you that well. But I do know that you were the father of my best friend. Thank you for all you have done for him and his family. For being in his life.

i got lemons...

Before I rant, I need to say a few things for some select individuals.

Dear Michaela Elizabeth Clark, I am sincerely sorry for giving your keys to Optimus Prime and forgetting I had done so putting you in a panic. I really forgot and thought that they were just laying next to your bed. My apologies.

Dear Fowler M Fowlmasterflex, your beard is sooo awesome. And you are even more awesome. Don't ever shave your awesomeness. Or your beard.

Dear Jeffery Sladenbaucherschnitzle, your name. 'nuff said.

Dear Bailey Jackson, some day I will dominate you in hexic, bejeweled, life... etc. someday... until then. You win.

Anyway. Enough of that.

The worst feeling in the world might be knowing that the person you like, likes someone else. The best part about posting this is the fact that the person that everyone will automatically think of is not the right person.

The worst feeling in the world is knowing that the stated person in a life or death situation would choose someone else over you, even though you know that you would choose that person over anyone.

The worst feeling in the world is knowing that this is a hopeless situation because you don't have a chance.

The worst feeling is knowing you can't tell anyone who this person is because you don't want to start drama or ruin the lives of either the said person or whom they like.

That is my rant.

When life hands you lemons, you praise God because lemons are delicious.

Top 20 Bands of ALL TIME

personal faves. don't judge.

#1 Rush of Fools

#2 Jack's Mannequin

#3 Family Force 5

#4 Death Cab for Cutie

#5 Dashboard Confessional

#6 Kutless

#7 FM Static

#8 Foo Fighters

#9 Collective Soul

#10 Matchbox Twenty

#11 The Beatles

#12 The Fratellis

#13 Hawthorne Heights

#14 Anberlin

#15 Bullet for my Valentine

#16 A Day to Remember

#17 Tenth Avenue North

#18 Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

#19 Everfound

#20 Underoath

*edit. insert switchfoot at #2

there is a difference. the difference is Him.

i just want to make something clear that some people do not understand.

there is a difference between joy and happiness.

what makes you happy? all the worldly things we have, our money... our car... our job... our friends... winning... etc. they make us happy, but what long term effect is there? can happiness be an everlasting feeling?

what makes you joyful?

i know that the love of our Lord God and Savior that He would die for us is what gives me true joy. joy is something real and everlasting. just like our God. coincidence? no.

some people tell me i am a happy person. but that isn't necessarily true. i actually am not happy much at all. i am always down and depressed. i actually really struggle with it a lot. but i am a joyful person. i know that my place is in heaven with God and it brings me so much joy. i feel like i don't show or share that with enough people. but maybe it is because it would be mistaken for happiness. which is not the case. just some thoughts.

God Bless

losing control.

i've came to the conclusion that i really need to guard my heart. because i fail at it. instead of going to the highest bidder, i go to the first bidder.... or i for some reason imagine someone bidding.

i think i keep making myself like people because i feel so alone. i feel like everyone should just stay away from me because i can't control my feelings. it is so hard because i can't distinguish between what is real and what is an idea that i place in my head.

i'm just asking to get hurt all the time. i hope God can lead me where He wants me because i keep leading myself away from Him.

great feeling when you can't even trust yourself.

pray for me please because i need all the help i can get.

ladies... don't do this.

The Five Toughest Questions That Women Ask Men And The Answers You Need...

The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?


What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrect (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

1. What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are and how lucky I am to have met you."

Inappropriate answers:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")


2. Do you love me?
The proper response is "YES!", or if you feel a more detailed answer is in order "Yes, dear".

Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love. (Clinton's response)
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?


3. Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!"
Incorrect:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're thighs sure do make a lot of noise.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

4. Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question, I was thinking of the insurance money again.

5. What would you do if I died?
A definite no win question here. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a new Porsche.")

No matter how you answer this question, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up question, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not ... don't you like being married?
Man: Of course, I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you re-marry?
Man: OK, I'd get married again.
Woman: YOU WOULD (hurtful look on face)??
Man: Yes, I would.
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with hers?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them, she is left handed.

--http://www.angelfire.com/my/invalidchars/longjokes.html

for fun?

i guess this is my venting note.

i think vince lombardi got it all right. "if winning isn't everything, why do we keep score?"

does this mean i have the right to feel like i have a right to win? i hate it when the game is over and people are like, well... it was fun! winning isn't everything... why are you playing then? don't play if you don't want to win! i want to win! i love my friends to death, but every team i am on with them never wins anything. i want to win.

sure. for putting that i will probably never get asked to be on a team again... or everyone will lash out at me. i just am a competitor at heart. i want to fight for something. that's why we play sports right? to compete. we love the challenge and having obstacles in the way. then coming down on those obstacles and feeling victorious. that is unless you never win. then you give up on sports altogether.

how do you live a life for God by losing? Jesus never lost. He conquered all obstacles in His way and continues to do so. in our battle for the side of our Lord we should never "play for fun" but we should go with a winning mindset. what glory goes to God if we just try and get by? just have fun? i don't think if you go to Hell you start to think.... "hmmm.... well it was fun right?"

facebook.

i really love my blog. it is so much of who i am. i think someone could easily figure out a lot more about me by browsing my blog as opposed to creeping on my facebook. speaking of facebook, i wanted to put something from my facebook on here:

This is a note of mine from facebook entitled: love like a band-aid.

I'm amazed by what friends can do for you. They are one of the most AMAZING things God has ever given us. They hold us together when like a band-aid when all of our problems in the world are bleeding out. They absorb all of our problems and keep all the others out.


Why is it that hugs are so amazing? Hugs can make someones day. OR CHANGE SOMEONE'S LIFE. How many people did you hug today? How many? NOT ENOUGH I TELL YOU. Never enough. What was the problem? Too awkward? Well. Hug me a million times, and I don't care who you are because you will change my life. To hold someone in your arms and make them feel safe, and to make them feel like someone cares is one of the most powerful things ever. You can take away all the pain and all the suffering they may go through that day. That hug could be the greatest thing that happens all day to them, all week, all year, their whole life.

Go, love on someone, change their life. Hold them in your arms and never let go. Love like a Band-Aid.

falling.

the world is falling apart. we are all falling apart. everything is falling apart.

but what are we falling for?

i look around at my friends, and they are all falling. some are falling closer to Jesus, some are falling away from faith in God, some are falling in love, some are falling in love with what they can get away with, some are falling out of love, and some are falling into an idea that no one cares about them. i'm falling into the mixed feelings of growing up.

unfortunately, i feel like very few people are mindful of where they are falling and what they might land in. even if you are falling closer to Jesus you have to know when to pull the parachute and slow down before hitting frustration.

so maybe that is what it is all about.... falling too fast.

i think this is the part where you step back and look at your life. where are you falling? and where do people think you are falling? maybe you should talk to someone about where you think you are falling because the best advice is not your own.

Get off the ground.

Holes.

Lately i have been thinking about the holes in my heart that i have felt over the year. I think everyone feels like they have them, like something is missing. Today i learned what to fill these holes with. God has laid on my heart somethings that i need to improve, and my improvement has led to the filling of these holes. I am trying to get into better shape, trying to be more involved, trying to do better in school and go to class, trying to be a better friend, trying to truly love everyone, and trying to improve my relationship with God. This last week i have been completely changed. I now feel a joy that i have never felt before in my life and it is because i am taking in more of an appreciation for what God has given to me. Jesus Christ saved me and my prize is a place in Heaven and i am so grateful. I was thinking about how a girl used to be the filler to all of these holes. I might have been happy, but was God happy? Did my relationship glorify God? Probably not. But this is something that i want so badly. I want someone that i can pour the Love of God into. I am not saying that if i had a girl in my life that all of my holes would be filled up, but that i need to have all of the holes filled before my heart is ready for a relationship. I feel like this is finally something that i can be truly ready for. I can say that there is someone that i am interested in. I feel a lot more comfortable putting that here then on facebook because the few that actually might read this probably already know. well. a few of them do. Now i am just waiting and praying for the direction and future God places me in.

cambiar

i guess i am on a mission to change lives. i assume people will comment on this and say "you changed my life!!!!111!!!1!11" but have i actually done anything? sure i am around you a lot and probably influence you, but i have i flipped your life upside down? what is change anyway...

i have no idea why i want to impact someone's life so deeply.

i then think about how people are like "you shouldn't change for someone to date them"

....what if it is for the better? what if it is for your own benefit? what if it is for Jesus?

is change a bad thing no matter what? i feel like changing someone's life is sooo extremely difficult. everything and everyone is against you. usually you fail, someone gets hurt, and friendships get broken up. i guess that is change though....

just my current thoughts.

God Bless

to You be the glory.... and some for our selfishness....

Today i learned the hard way that blogging while watching a movie isn't a very effective method.

I just started listening to this song so i thought i would include it.

We All -- Rush of Fools

Oh, You are love like we have never known
Before the world was born
You had named us and called us Your own
We are Yours
And we're broken at Your feet

We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
Cause You're right here with us
We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
At the name of Jesus
We all, we all, we all lift up You, now

Oh, it's a wonder that we can engage
The King of Heaven lives
In our hearts and we know Your embrace is this
You have died for us

We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
Cause You're right here with us
We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
At the name of Jesus
We all, we all, we all lift up You, now

Your ways are high
They're not our own
And You are seated at Your throne
And it's Your love that gives us hope
That You will never let us go

We all, we all, we all fall to the ground

We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
Cause You're right here with us
We all, we all, we all fall to the ground
At the name of Jesus
We all, we all, we all lift up You, now

Oh, you are love like we have never known
Before the world was born
You had named us and called us your own
We are yours

I feel like lately i have been falling flat on my face for Jesus. Actually more like tripping over my problems to land at the feet of my Savior. I guess i wish it didn't have to be that way. I wish that it took something else to get my life together and not my problems and mishaps that lead me to seeking the Face of God. I have noticed how prideful lately. I never thought of myself being a proud person but i am noticing it more and more.

What did you want to be when you grew up? I remember the only thing i ever wanted was to be a hero. But what is a hero? I was always unsure of this. I just new that i wanted to save the world or something. Why did i want this? Not sure on that either. I guess i just wanted the glory. Sounds quite selfish right? Well growing up i guess i really rooted myself in my own selfish, glory-filled dream. I feel like i spend too much time seeking the praise of others and not enough time doing things for the glory of God. Even my life of prayer has changed into something that was just for others to see. I hate it. Sometimes i feel like i pray before meals just so other people see me and not that i am actually giving thanks to God. Sounds terrible right? Well it is the truth. So how much of this relationship with God is fake? Looks like i have a long road to making it better.

Here is where it begins....

I guess this is just an intro post. This way i actually have something on this blog. And my internet at home shuts off in 30 min so i can't put everything here that i want to.

God is great right? Well. Until we get mad. Then we forget that. Sound familiar? Does for me. Sometimes i have been overlooking the greatness of God and looking at my own selfishness and what i can never be. I should be happy and joyous around the clock because He sent His Son to save me. What else could I want?

Speaking of the goodness of God, look around you? Look at everything you have even though it may seem like you have nothing. EVERYTHING you have is from Him. The world tells you that you have to work and do stuff to get to heaven and such. But EVERTHING is a gift from the Big Man upstairs. I have been under appreciating a lot of things lately. Especially my friends. Of all things right? Yeah, that is what i thought too. But i have been over looking them. They have my back in every struggle i am in and i don't do nearly enough to thank them or God. And how do i repay them? I always feel like i can never do enough for my friends to ever be close enough to match what they do for me. Maybe that is my problem. I feel like i just am repaying people. I hear that a lot and should think about it more. But it isn't like i am doing it for that reason only! I love to help people. It makes me happier than anything else. Maybe it is the fact that i want people to depend on me. But is that just my selfishness speaking out again? I don't know, but I pray that God will show me.