Dear... God?

So I am not really sure what is going on in my life right now. Pretty much just God convicting me over and over and over. Now He has me in total fear. I don't really know if He is the one doing this to me, but it is tearing me apart. I am up right now past 3am just so I can avoid trying to go to sleep. Last night I was completely torn apart and I graphically visualized all of my past sins. I was so disgusted with myself that I wanted to vomit everywhere but nothing would come up. Then all I could think was that I was going to Hell and I kept imagining fire and torture and laughter. I was scared out of my mind....

But maybe there is something that I should get out of this. That I shouldn't be afraid. That Jesus Christ came and saved me from my sins and that I don't have to go to Hell. Ugh. Still drove me nuts last night.... I guess I will try to go to sleep.

Welcome back.

Ahhh yes. It has been a while hasn't it? No, I have not forgotten about this. I just always have things I want to say that I can't say because some certain person would read it. I hate that I have that problem all the time. Sorry if you are indirectly mentioned. Nothing personal. I love you regardless. Anyway. this will be another one of my rants like always.

A. Apparently I am super awkward. Which is fantastic. I was thinking about the labeling theory in sociology today and how that when you are labeled that you become it because people mirror you that way. So I guess that is why I tend to be anti social now and just sit in my room. Spare people the trouble.
B. I hate it when people make me do something and then I do it and get yelled at it for it. LOVE!
C. I love it when people are super indirect to make hints about things they can't stand about me. I wish people were direct and would actually talk to me. That would be fantastic.
D. I really hate being lumped into groups with other people. So I really don't like to do that. Now I am playing Dungeons and Dragons and now I am "That guy" Thanks world. Haters.
E. It drives me up a wall when people say they don't like someone but act like they do. And then they lead them on and I along with others have to deal with the mess afterwards. Do people think at all? I am unsure.
F. Yes. I get along actually quite well with the people I have dated. I am quite proud of that. I don't get why it is such an issue for some people.
G. My faith is a mess right now. I can't get focused at all. Well, at least it is getting better now. I am probably dropping my education major and changing to something that would be good for missionary work. I am thinking sociology or communication right now. Pray for me.
H. I must fail at friendships. Because most of the time I feel like my best friends are my ex and my mom. Not saying anything against them since they are awesome people but I guess it doesn't look the best. Maybe that is why I am super awkward. Sweet. I love never ending circles...
I. It drives me nuts when people expect me to drive everywhere  even though I don't have a car.
J. I love people just assume that everyone has texting. Like it is physically impossible to buy a phone without it. Or when people ask for my number and I tell them that I don't have texting and they don't want my number anymore. Rude. I also love it when people rip me for not responding to their texts.... my bad. I apologize from the bottom of my heart.
K. It is really annoying when someone you look up to completely blows you off. So be careful as to who you blow off. Because you never know who idolizes you.

That is all. For now.

Lock me up. Swallow the key.

You can do it! You can do anything...... Yeah. right. I keep telling myself this as I fight an on going battle within myself. I just should be locked up in cage away from all of humanity. I don't do anything good for it. I just treat everyone terribly. I ruin people's lives, friendships, and relationships. Or do I? Or could it be so that I just take so much crap from everyone that I get to a point of exploding and everyone in my path gets destroyed? Maybe. Oh well. I need someone to talk to. I need someone I can always go to. That I can call 2, 3, 4 or 5 am. ANYTIME. Nope. Don't have it. It sucks when your likely candidates end up being the people you need to go to people about. Then they are all best friends so anything you say goes in their ears and out their mouths. I trust people so little right now. I just assume the world is out to get me. That I have to do everything on my own. That I have to fight every battle on my own. That I have to settle everything inside my head and heart before I can go to anyone else. GO FIGHT WIN. Maybe. I don't know where I am going. I don't know what end result I am looking for. I don't know how to travel the journey I am on. But I am on one. It just isn't going anywhere. It stays right inside me. You are strong Scott...... Am I?

Ramblings of a broken man.

Do I lack communication skills? I must not be doing something right because I have no ability to channel my feelings, thoughts, and/or emotions to other people. This is why I am not very open with other people. I can't do it. I fail at talking to people. Fantastic listener, but I cannot communicate to others. Every second of my life I feel like no one understands me, how I think, how my mind processes things, how I draw conclusions, how I am affected by things... etc. But, is that mearly because I fail at communicating that to other people?

Which leads to where I am now. Where I don't talk to people. I bog things up in my mind and when that over flows I blow up. But I never go to anyone. I don't want to be a burden to anyone else. I don't want my problems to be anyone else's. I know Bailey yells at me for this. A LOT. Oh well. That is how I work. I keep things to myself. I hate it because once I have had enough and open up to people I naturally lash out and make people get really mad at me. More failing. Which leads me back to where I was before. I seriously don't think there is a human being on the planet able to handle me. I can't openly communicate with anyone without ever making somebody upset. I can't explain things to people in a way that won't make them rip my head off. Alas, I just accept my failure as part of life and something I will never ever be able to do correctly.

I keep finding myself either mentally driving myself off a bridge or over people that make me mad. Either way. I am driving. Driving myself nuts. Work makes me realize how stupid humanity is. I don't think I heard a single person pronounce "Herb" right today. Go humanity. English (1), Humanity (0). The language has conquered its own people. Heck. I had a co-worker not even know what humanity meant. *hits head* I don't even know what to say anymore. I love how every customer that walks into Subway assumes they know the prices better than I do. Heck, they DON'T EVEN LOOK at the prices. How are they supposed to know prices better if they don't look? "Sorry sir, that is one of our $6.75 subs and not a $5 footlong." "WHAT?!?!?! #!#^!$@#$^@^@^@##!$#@^$$^&%#$% [subtle explicts]" Yeah... welcome to my life. Doesn't help that I work at a job where everyone can do whatever the heck they want and get away with it. AKA. Not their job. I wish I had some authority around there, I would change so many things!

Why do we watch scary movies? For the thrill? I would be thrilled to NOT watch the movie. Why do we mess with fear? Fear is something that we use to survive. Something that through many years we have used to protect ourselves. So why do we pursue unleashing that instinct? I think it isn't really entertaining. Comedy is way more entertaining. Whatever. I think the idea of scary movies at stupid. Count me out.

Patriot.

I am writing this after waking up from a dream. A bad dream, or a nightmare rather.

In my dream my best friend Steven, who is in the Army, just died in military combat over in Korea. In my dream I was at his funeral and Shirley Phelps and company made an appearance complete with “God hates America” and other signs about our great country and military. In my dream it took 5 people to hold me down so I didn’t go tear her apart. I just woke up crying and all I can do is think about how satisfying it would be to bash her face in a thousand times over.

I realize why I am so patriotic. Because there are amazing people around the world fighting for our freedom, and that is just awesome. Steven is my hero. He is serving across seas for my rights and freedom. For my family’s rights and freedom. For my best friends’ rights and freedom. For people I don’t and he doesn’t know’s rights and freedoms. For America. That is a hero. And something about that just really gets down to the soul of me.

Dear Shirley Phelps,

1. If God hates America, then why would you want to be here? Doesn’t this equal like Hell in your “religion”? *cough* cult! *cough* Go to Iran! You could be their queen or something.

2. Do you realize that the solders that you slander by calling them gays or fags are fighting for your right to say that? I hope someday you meet karma.

3. Do you realize that you are only alive because the people that hate you the most are Christians who wouldn’t do that to you? But I tell you what…. do something criminal. I would love to watch you rot in a prison cell.

4. Do you realize that all your arguments just make you sound foolish? They don’t even make sense. And argue quietly! You always yell. It is obnoxious. Knock it off.

5. The King James Bible is out dated. FYI. New original scripture has been found. So pull some money together from your peeps and buy some new Bibles.

6. GOD DOESN’T HATE AMERICA!!!!!

7. GOD DOESN’T HATE AMERICA!!!!!

8. (See numbers 6 and 7.)

9. Stay out of my dreams. You and Satan. Jerkfaces. I hope God noob-tubes you with a grenade launcher in Call of Duty so you rage quit life.

Sincerely,

Scott James Morton.