too upset to think of a title.

define best friend?

i feel like this summer has distanced me from the people i once claimed to be my besties. some i have yet to talk to since school has gotten out. and some i have tried to talk to and gotten no response. thanks for that. i'll just go hang out with some of my buds that aren't the best influence. but heck. at least they talk to me.

realization.

i just was thinking about how many surprise birthday parties i have been a part of.

i've never had a surprise party. i never do anything period.
maybe i should take that as a hint.

this is also really stupid because now someone is going to do one just because i put this, which would just make me more mad.

another poem from jennifer sladky :]

Sometimes God does things in our lives
We cannot understand
He put us together as friends
For this was a part of his plan
At first I thought could this friend
Be just another fake?
At that time I realized
That God makes no mistakes
This friendship I know for sure
Was made from the Heavens above
That's how I'm sure that it
Will be filled with lots of love
The talks we've had and the things we’ve shared
Have meant so much for me
God chose to make us good friends
That's why we're meant to be
I can put no value on a friendship
Like the one we share
For every time we talk
We know that the other is there.

can't we get along and praise nicely?

Sooo many things on my mind. Where do I start?

Ahhh the great stage of moving on. Knowing that your liking someone is only a drag, that you just make everything awkward. Great feeling. My emotions are like trying to disarm a bomb. Except for instead of cutting the green wire I got desperate and cut them all. Now I am blowing up inside. That is how my feelings are for you now. Because I am cutting it all off it is just building inside me and is tearing me apart. I don’t know what to do or where to go.

I hate summer. For some odd reason I start going on a “summer break” from Jesus and it sucks. I am hurting and missing having my Savior in my life.

Over the years I have noticed how some people talk about different churches and denominations. Some people don’t even sound Christian when it comes to the topic because some are very unaccepting. It seems like everyone I talk to has a denomination that is “on the bottom of their list” or so to speak. I feel like I can’t even talk church with some Christians. Annoys the heck out of me. Can’t we all get along and praise nicely?

Is God sending me a sign? He closes a window to see my friends from wayne today at hope’s grad party and He is shutting the door on going back to wayne at all. I don’t know what to do but if this is the case it is going to kill me. Where do You want me?

I hate it when things go better than you want. When you restart a friendship only to be on good terms and they want to be your best friend. It doesn’t work like that.

I have noticed that I am typically one that has a hard time with saying no to things, but sometimes I feel like I say no a lot to hanging out with friends. I don’t know why it is that things never go like I want. When I want to be alone everyone asks me to hang out. When I want to do something everyone else is doing something and they don’t invite me. Maybe sometimes I am asking for my own loneliness.

I also have came to a conclusion that my list of best friends is much different from my list of favorite friends. The people that I would much rather hang out with. There are some people that are incredibly close to me yet I never have desire to hang out with them. Interesting how it works that way…

Well those are my thoughts. If you have some of your own about them, feel free to contact me.

letters to you -- finch

Can't you see that I wanna be there with open arms?
It's empty tonight
And I'm all alone
Get me through this one

Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so

I'm writing again, these letters to you
On much I know
But I'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart

Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so

No more looking
I've found her

I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you

I've gone away

lesson of myself.

12:13 am.

My entire ipod is on shuffle. Freedom by run kid run just finished. I just fell flat on the floor and cried. My body went limp. My heart stopped hurting, it just felt like it was no longer there. I can’t move any part of my body except my fingers as I type this. I cannot stop crying. Why am I crying? I ask myself if I am making a big deal about nothing. Or apparently I am. Yet deep down I feel like I right and that it is a bigger deal that it may seem….

Apparently I am a coward at deactivating facebook. I am just running from my problems. Maybe so. Never said I was brave or confrontational or smart or doing the right thing. Bahaha. I am never doing the right thing. But this is me. This is what I do. I build up my emotions, let them out, and start over. I don’t know when I will go back on facebook. But I need to. It is my only real connection to my friends. I love how the deactivation page tells you how your friends will miss me. Well it shouldn’t, because I am not gone and now only the people that I actually mean something to will go out of their way to connect with me.

I hate being home. It isn’t the place. Or the people or anything. But it is the lack of the people that is the problem. I had friends to push me. At home I turn into a “Christian on Sunday only.” I screw up and don’t act anything like myself. I am never happy and never read my Bible. I don’t pray, I don’t hang out with Christian friends, I don’t do anything I should do. I am stubborn and over 9000% human and flesh. I hate it. I am nothing. Just a big block of sin that can’t get closer to Jesus. I can’t do it right. I am doing something wrong. I am hurting and need so much help. God… I need you! I am broken. Falling down and refusing to get up! Pull me up! Get me on my feet, but don’t stop there! Launch me into the sky!

Dear Benjamin Frerichs. Since I know you are one of my biggest followers… this part is for you. I need you in my life. I need you to push me. I need so badly to room with you again. My life changed when I stopped living with you. I went down and went fast. You have been the best brother. Not friend, but brother. You are my family. I feel like I can’t do anything with you. You truly have been an extension Jesus in my life. Thank you.

Summer is killing me. I can see what it has already done to me and it hurts even more to see that it could be like this for longer if I can’t get enough money to get back into WSC. Since I am going downhill I can only imagine I will fall farther unless I can find help.

Dear Fowler. You have been one of the greatest friends ever. You are very wise. As of what is going on in my life, you probably know much more than anyone else. You have helped me analyze every situation that I get in. I appreciate that so much.

Dear James. You are an awesome vent buddy. So vent to me when kobe fails. :D But really. You have been great. I enjoy our friendship and it means the world to me. I am glad you can put together my emotions and figure out how I feel.

Dear Bailey. I doubt you will read this since you don’t follow blogs. You are an amazing friend. I can honestly say that you can make me laugh or just smile when the world is falling apart. So when the zombies come. I will find you so you can make it not seem so bad. :D

Dear Kayla. You make or break every day for me. I don’t know if I will ever understand it. But I do know that I have a very deep bond to you that amazes me. I don’t know what your future will hold you but I will be here if it does not work. Never forget that I have your back. I care for you, more than you will ever know.

Dear Sara. I am glad that you can hold my trust everytime. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go to anyone, but I know that I can always go to you and you will always listen to me. That means the world to me and if you ever need anything I’ve got your back. I can always lend an ear if you need one.

Dear facebook. Don’t know when I will be back. Miss you already! Well. Parts of you. Or just chat. I kind of miss that. I can live without the rest of your crap.

I hate that without facebook I can’t post anymore emo statuses. Super lame. I think it would be somewhere along the lines of: Scott Morton just went from being heart broken to heartless in a course of 5 min. rockstar.

Peachy by family force 5 just played. I love the song right now because I can relate to the lyrics. Probably not a good thing. Oh well.

Time for bed. I wish I could move. Even enough strength to get back into bed would be fantastic. Goodnight computer.

12:44 am.

why?

i blog for a reason. apparently it is meaningless. apparently my words go without meaning. apparently i have bad timing. apparently i should just give up.

poem by jennifer sladky

When I finally pass away some day,
I can merely hope and pray
That I will gaze upon Christ.
Though he is constantly depicted in free flowing robes of white,
That is not the Savior I expect to see in my sights,
No, that image simply is not right.
My Savior wears jeans.

Yes, He wears jeans, an opinion I refuse to deny,
And if you need reassurance you only need to look toward the sky,
And gaze at the intricate shades of blue.

His jeans are long, battered, tattered, and torn.
They've been stained with blood, tears, and sweat since before I was born.
The blue varies through fades, and prices He's paid.
The most appealing part of the jeans are the many splotches of bleach,
From where He has tried to reach and teach,
As He walks to and fro,
Cleaning the coats, of those whom He knows.
And I will be the one of the first to confide,
That those stains on his jeans will stay there with pride,
No matter how much He uses Clorox 2 or Tide,
Because the blotches we see is from where He's lived, thrived, and died,
And eventually risen days after making his crucial decision.
Yes, it is true; I can see through the blue, my Savior wears jeans

10 Points to Society.

I hate how some people go about relationships. Or how people have relationships that are unofficial and have no commitment. I mean seriously. Who wants that? I talk to some people that want a good Christian relationship, but don't live their lives like they want one? Some people spend so much time looking for the right person, but don't think about if they are the right person for someone else.

I was talking to one of my friends and she was telling me how it is okay to kiss one of your friends as long as they are single too. ARE YOU SERIOUS? 1. I didn't expect that from you. 2. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Gah. I don't get it. Has society really changed us that much? What happened to relationships like they used to be? Or how people actually stayed married? Oh yeah. That might be because it is perfect acceptable for people to have sex and not get married. Probably the fault of our parents for letting us think that. Traditional parenting would have not allowed this.

Well. Here is my venting... Some people just amaze me. 10 points to Society.

Round 2?

2009-2010 School Year.

2 Semesters. 10 Classes. 4 Different Roommates.

Not much school knowledge gained. So much understanding of myself as a person and my future. Friendships that could never be broken. Failed relationships and unsuccessful crushes. Strengthened relationship with God.

Many things have came out of this year. Good and bad.

Bad being my grades and my effort. Terrible. I have so much potential that I basically wasted this year. So much that God has blessed me with and I have thrown away. So much opportunity brushed aside. Was I not ready? Or did I just need this wake up call to get my act together? I wish I could be someone who could academically make his parents proud. Instead I have to drop a class because I am failing and then fail get enough credits to be a sophomore. Good job Scott. Good plan when you are trying to get money to go back to WSC next year. Why would anyone give me money if I just throw it all away?


On the upside, WSC has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I am so thankful for the people I had around me. Especially the people that went out of their way to invest in my life. It was so amazing to see people reach out to me. They definitely changed my life. Even the parents of some of my friends have been great friends to me. I appreciate it so much. God has definitely worked through many people to take a hold of my heart. I have never been around so many Christians on a consistent basis and it has been an amazing experience. I also have gained a new appreciation for my family. I didn't get to see them a lot but when I did they were always there to take me back in. I love them so much. They have done so much for me! I will never be able to repay them! (speaking of... I owe them money... )


End Conclusion:
God is definitely telling me that I need to get my act together. I shouldn't have trouble with motivation, because God should always be my motivation. I should be doing everything for Him! My prayer is that God will find a way to get me back to WSC so He can give me another chance even though I don't deserve it!
________________________________________________

From the Inside Out -- Hillsong United. 

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And If I stumble again
I'm caught in our grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine
When all else fails
Neverending, your glory goes
Beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine
When all else fails
Neverending, Your glory goes
Beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine
When all else fails
Neverending, your glory goes

Beyond all fame

Do Not Hear, Listen.

This post is about two of the most amazing songs ever written.

Promise of a Lifetime by Kutless and Freedom by Run Kid Run.

These songs can stop me from doing anything. These songs can make me cry on a moments notice. These songs can make me fall to my knees no matter where I am. They are so super powerful. God's Glory, Grace, and Forgiveness are so amazing expressed through these songs. God obviously sent a message through these two artists when they were compelled to write these songs. I thank Him for these because they have changed my life. I hope you listen to them. Do not hear, listen.

Promise of a Lifetime -- Kutless

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted

Looking back at me I know that you can see my heart is open to the promise of a lifetime.
________________________________________________

Freedom -- Run Kid Run

All my chains I can't disengage
And I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise the other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
And I'm ready for change

Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay
I scream Father please
I need rescuing I need you and you alone

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for I'm ready for (change)

Still you patiently wait
Yet i won't just let go
I see you and you alone
Saying come follow me despair has come so you can see
Release

And so I'm singing for freedom
And so I'm singing for freedom

The time has come separation has lost the war to love
Take my hand grace has found you where you once began
Your alive You're alive in the waking of new life
Take my hand in the end there's only love
There's only love

There's only singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the one
Who can become this freedom
And I'm ready for I'm ready for
Father please I need rescuing
I need you and you alone

God Bless

trading death for life.

Gah. So many things on my mind.... but one thing I want to get off my chest. 

It sure is a phenomenal feeling to know that you would die for someone. I mean, we all have times we have said it, but have we truly meant it? I know there are some people that I would die for, but only a few would I instantly react and throw it all away.  One on my mind in particular. 

Speaking of that person, had a dream about her last night where a friend and I died trying to save her from kidnappers. Not sure what to think of it, but I know that I would do anything in the world for her. No matter what. 

Would say more, but extremely tired. 

returning a favor.

The best feeling in the world might be to know that you have influenced someone's life. When they tell you that you have done something for them and to hear that you are their best friend makes me smile at my core. If you want to make me the happiest person in the world let me know that I am doing something right, that I am appreciated. It means the world to me. It is isn't 'just something nice to say' with me. It really means a lot.

Another thing that I would like to say is that I have been one of the most blessed people in the world.

Kayla, since you have mentioned me in your blog, I shall return the favor. Have I ever been a lucky person to know you! It is amazing what our friendship has become after how it started. This might be partially because of how you have changed and grow up over the course of the year. You are in the top three friends I have ever had and probably the best girl (insert safety pause) friend I have ever had. Without you I never would have had well you for a friend (of course) or a majority of the friends I have now. You have put up with so many of my problems and take way to much crap from me that you don't deserve. Unfortunately I can be a real pain sometimes! I used to think I would never be able to trust you, now I trust you would my life. I used to think that I would never call you my "best" friend but now I can say you are one of the VERY BEST. :] When the world falls apart you are what I have to fall back onto. I appreciate that more than words could ever express. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me.