lesson of myself.

12:13 am.

My entire ipod is on shuffle. Freedom by run kid run just finished. I just fell flat on the floor and cried. My body went limp. My heart stopped hurting, it just felt like it was no longer there. I can’t move any part of my body except my fingers as I type this. I cannot stop crying. Why am I crying? I ask myself if I am making a big deal about nothing. Or apparently I am. Yet deep down I feel like I right and that it is a bigger deal that it may seem….

Apparently I am a coward at deactivating facebook. I am just running from my problems. Maybe so. Never said I was brave or confrontational or smart or doing the right thing. Bahaha. I am never doing the right thing. But this is me. This is what I do. I build up my emotions, let them out, and start over. I don’t know when I will go back on facebook. But I need to. It is my only real connection to my friends. I love how the deactivation page tells you how your friends will miss me. Well it shouldn’t, because I am not gone and now only the people that I actually mean something to will go out of their way to connect with me.

I hate being home. It isn’t the place. Or the people or anything. But it is the lack of the people that is the problem. I had friends to push me. At home I turn into a “Christian on Sunday only.” I screw up and don’t act anything like myself. I am never happy and never read my Bible. I don’t pray, I don’t hang out with Christian friends, I don’t do anything I should do. I am stubborn and over 9000% human and flesh. I hate it. I am nothing. Just a big block of sin that can’t get closer to Jesus. I can’t do it right. I am doing something wrong. I am hurting and need so much help. God… I need you! I am broken. Falling down and refusing to get up! Pull me up! Get me on my feet, but don’t stop there! Launch me into the sky!

Dear Benjamin Frerichs. Since I know you are one of my biggest followers… this part is for you. I need you in my life. I need you to push me. I need so badly to room with you again. My life changed when I stopped living with you. I went down and went fast. You have been the best brother. Not friend, but brother. You are my family. I feel like I can’t do anything with you. You truly have been an extension Jesus in my life. Thank you.

Summer is killing me. I can see what it has already done to me and it hurts even more to see that it could be like this for longer if I can’t get enough money to get back into WSC. Since I am going downhill I can only imagine I will fall farther unless I can find help.

Dear Fowler. You have been one of the greatest friends ever. You are very wise. As of what is going on in my life, you probably know much more than anyone else. You have helped me analyze every situation that I get in. I appreciate that so much.

Dear James. You are an awesome vent buddy. So vent to me when kobe fails. :D But really. You have been great. I enjoy our friendship and it means the world to me. I am glad you can put together my emotions and figure out how I feel.

Dear Bailey. I doubt you will read this since you don’t follow blogs. You are an amazing friend. I can honestly say that you can make me laugh or just smile when the world is falling apart. So when the zombies come. I will find you so you can make it not seem so bad. :D

Dear Kayla. You make or break every day for me. I don’t know if I will ever understand it. But I do know that I have a very deep bond to you that amazes me. I don’t know what your future will hold you but I will be here if it does not work. Never forget that I have your back. I care for you, more than you will ever know.

Dear Sara. I am glad that you can hold my trust everytime. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go to anyone, but I know that I can always go to you and you will always listen to me. That means the world to me and if you ever need anything I’ve got your back. I can always lend an ear if you need one.

Dear facebook. Don’t know when I will be back. Miss you already! Well. Parts of you. Or just chat. I kind of miss that. I can live without the rest of your crap.

I hate that without facebook I can’t post anymore emo statuses. Super lame. I think it would be somewhere along the lines of: Scott Morton just went from being heart broken to heartless in a course of 5 min. rockstar.

Peachy by family force 5 just played. I love the song right now because I can relate to the lyrics. Probably not a good thing. Oh well.

Time for bed. I wish I could move. Even enough strength to get back into bed would be fantastic. Goodnight computer.

12:44 am.